Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs of Hartlepool

Breaking news from our correspondent in the Hartlepool Fish and Chip mines ... ...

A White-throated Robin, a rare type of Blue Tit never seen before in England, has reportedly been seen in the North East.

Originally misidentified as a Red-flanked Bluetail, a rather common and uninteresting bird of eastern coastal headlands, local parks and Siberia, the bird has been performing well for the hordes of birdspotters who have turned up ‘in big groups’ to see it.
The bird first turned up in Doc’s garden.  It is not known what the other dwarves thought of this,  although Sneezy, a birder with infamously poor fieldcraft skills, was apparently seen trying to harvest the ‘interesting’ looking poppies growing under the hedge, before his hay fever and the local constabulary got the better of him.
Top lister Sleepy was uncharacteristically late for this mega. “Rumours that my batteries are running low are totally unfounded” he said. “I wasn’t going to miss this blocker* for all the snoozing in the world” he yawned, his eye still only half-open.
{*Better Blockers  (inaccurately sometimes called beta blockers) are well known in the medical world, it should be noted, and used for reducing stress hormones, something which all top twitchers are pretty susceptible to .. that heightened pulse rate, diluted pupils (sadly seen less often in these days of diminishing Apprenticeships) and heart failure induced by not seeing a bird/seeing one that is too exciting. }
Dopey, B-Laddered as usual, was seen standing on fellow twitchers heads at the scene instead of those kindly donated for the ‘greater birding good’ by the local inhabitants. Grumpy was probably one of those he was standing on. But Happy was seemingly everywhere else at once. Most twitchers were indeed ecstatic, especially those who had climbed the wall. Anti-climb paint, liberally smeared, being the latest hot fashion to come out of the north-eastern fashion hotspot of Cleveland, trendy people tell us.
“Mega, mega White-throated thing” one half literate and happy birder from Leeds sang as he stumbled back up the road to someone else’s car.
Bashful was uncharacteristically absent from the twitch. Rumour is that given a few more days, a bit of bad parking and frayed tempers, and he will undoubtably turn up ...

Happy twitchers descend on Hartlepool

In scenes being dubbed ‘The Cleveland Show’, the rare type of pie/bird which has been spotted in the north-east have led to a lot of twitchers, and even ordinary birders, feeling slightly unwell, and having to leave work in large numbers to visit ‘The Doctor’. Miraculous recoveries have quickly followed in almost all cases. Local residents are a little bemused, but reckon birders are mostly harmless, albeit totally barmy, from what they've seen so far.

As is normal when a lot of birders descend on an area in such numbers in search of a rare bird, other rarities will be found nearby. Two such examples found on the Monday are the Lesser-spotted Wallcreeper and the Ladder-backed Woodthruster, both so extremely rare as to have never been recorded outside the near-mythical Cleveland Recording Area Perimeter, either before or since...

Photographic evidence of the sordid events unfolding

A GP can also regularly be seen here according to local residents. And web-surfing Scoters abound too ...

Typically, as when any half-decent bird is found these days, an internet smear campaign was immediately instigated. Unfortunately it didn’t really get anywhere; given the numbers of birders allegedly spotting the bird, any hoax was likely to be so well constructed and with so many birders being ‘paid off’ that, just like the Devon Long-billed Murrelet, the bird would be accepted as genuine, and twitchers could remain in denial.
Allegations that the ‘Doctor’s Garden’ is actually an overseas territorial outpost of the state of Turkey will however be fully investigated ...

“If we can just correctly identify the type of mortar in the doctor’s wall, we’ll be well on the way to seeing whether it’s a genuine wall or not” Maurice, a brick spotter from Shropshire told us. "These walls don't just build themselves you know".

The bird, the White-throated Robin, or I ran a kebabstalgutturalis as all proper ornithologists should know it as, is however a bit of an enigma. "It shouldn't be here at all" a local Robin told us ... "Next thing you know it'll be inviting all it's relations over, taking our jobs and ..."

The local British variant of the European Robin, Robinus ofourjobsetc need not be too worried though.

Having mistakenly turned up in the North East, it's fat score is already likely to be abnormally high, we were told by a local Ornithologist. "It will probably either die of heart failure in the next few days, or continue its migration to the aviary or pet shop it originally came from".

Leaving such controversy aside, we spoke to some local residents about the bird.

The bird was spotted early on in its stay near a local amenity centre for older people. One local pensioner told us “He was totally bowled over” by the turn of events.
Another shifty looking octogenarian sidled up to us ... “That Snow White throated Robin ...” he whistled through his gappy teeth.
We were rather shocked, to be honest. Presumably he had been watching dodgy clubhouse videos again. We didn’t really need/want to know. But not wishing to appear ageist, we patiently waited for him to re-adjust his teeth properly. “That’s no White-throated Robin” he nashed. ” It’s all a big hoax to stop me winning the Friars Lane Bowling Trophy again. These birdy people. Just how low will they go? Snakes in the grass, that's what they are” he spluttered.

Looking for ladders in their natural environment ...

Arthur Spickle, a reservoir hamster from a Hartlepool petshop commented “I’m a hamster. I can’t talk. What on earth are you printing my comments for? Get a life …”
So what's next for the North East, indeed UK birding as a whole? Is Spring sprung? Have we hit The Wall? Or will the megas keep on pouring in? Unfortunately we don't have a Magic Mirror on it …  (Although the catastrophic consequences of a casually misplaced ladder don't really bear thinking about, so probably not a bad thing … )

At any rate, this bird is unlikely to hang around for too long, just like any wild rare bird shouldn't. It doesn't really belong in suburban England ... lurking cats (black or otherwise) and robins in the hood don't really mix … Fairytale Endings are only part of the story (usually the bit at the end, when they do occur).

The saga will undoubtably unfold a bit further, like a piece of origami I once tried to make (it was meant to be a swan, I think ... )

Walt Disney was unavailable for comment.

(All pictures stolen off the internet)


  1. Apparently Jet2 are arranging a flight to repatriate the bid

  2. oops, the R key has gone same way as my Q key. (note to self; don't dribble your dinner on the keyboard)

  3. I think there must be something wrong with my keyboard too ... every time I think I'm just pressing a few keys a whole load of drivel comes out instead ...